…no matter how small they are, sometimes I use tarot cards to help me make them.

As in, which nail polish I should wear.  Because this is an important dilemma, people.

King of Chalices: “Just channel your emotions.  This is easy.”
Four of Swords: “Look as if you’re ready for battle.  Wear what pumps you up.”

The answer to both of these was, resoundingly, Hot Pink…

…as someone demonstrates very well (I love how literal the cards are at times).

Reminder: this is actually one of two nail colors up for grabs in my nail polish giveaway, which ends Tuesday!  Having this on my toes really brightens up the day…in a fierce, don’t-mess-with-me kind of way.

Photo by Eugenio Recuenco

The first dream involved a trip to the grocery store by bus, with my boyfriend Matt and my mom.  For some reason, the bus took us out into the middle of nowhere – back roads, mountain passes, et cetera – and looped continuously over a long period of time until my mom grew tired of it and disembarked.  I worried we wouldn’t meet up again, since I wasn’t sure where any of us were (and because my mom wasn’t familiar with the area), but for some reason Matt and I stayed on the bus, thinking we could still make it to the store.  Eventually, all but the two of us and two other men had left the bus, at which point the two men turned on us with guns and asked for all our money.  I had a large wad of cash in my purse to pay my share of the rent, and the thought of losing that concerned me a lot more than the fact that a gun was being pointed at me – as if I didn’t understand the weight of the situation.  Instead of just handing over our wallets (for some reason), Matt pulled two twenties out of his while I rummaged through mine, pretending I was scrounging for change – when really, I was trying to get away with handing over only a small portion of my cash.  Long story short, they found out, and proceeded to shoot us both.

Photo by Eugenio Recuenco

Now.  I’m no stranger to analyzing my dreams.  I find it fascinating and psychologically useful, and I like to think I’m quite good at it.  But this time I enlisted the help of a tarot deck – at least half out of curiosity, but partially because the dreams were disconcerting and I find the cards comforting.  I used the Deviant Moon Tarot by Patrick Valenza for its disturbing, dream-like imagery.  And despite my self-proclaimed mastery in dream interpretation, I found the results quite surprising – an interpretation that, upon second thought, fit all too well, but that I never would have thought up on my own.

Deviant Moon Tarot by Patrick Valenza

Then the King of Pentacles.  This is where it gets interesting.  At first I was surprised to see a court card; I almost considered the draw a mistake.  Reminder: it’s never a mistake.  The King of Pentacles is usually a man, or a source of great power; Pentacles, or Coins, deal with stability and finances, as well as material goods…and then it hit me.  The mugging on the bus, my mom and the unreachable destination, the war with my family in the pool, the inexplicable aid from my dad.  This card represents my parents (most notably my dad) – and my dreams, oddly enough, were about losing financial stability.

I’ve been in college for the past six years.  During that time, my parents (who generously saved for my college education in Canada, and did not anticipate my attending university out-of-state/country) have paid for virtually my entire education, and most of my living costs.  I am beyond grateful for their generosity, but sometimes it fills me with guilt.  While I maintained a part-time job throughout my undergrad in Idaho, it didn’t pay much.  Last year I received a fellowship (for the first year of my graduate degree) which paid my tuition and got me more publishing experience, which helped – but this past year I didn’t work at all.  With my thesis, my classes, and other creative/career endeavors (such as tarot and blogging, which I still hope will help me pay my bills someday), I couldn’t find the time – and I think I would have gone insane.  Regardless, I still carry a lot of guilt.  And it doesn’t help that I’m not exactly great with money.

Photos by Denise Grunstein

So I drew another card for advice, and I got the 9 of Pentacles.  I was a little surprised by this, because it’s not exactly a “take action” card; it’s more of a “take time for yourself and don’t let anyone else bother you” card.  Actually, it’s one of my favorites – I wish I could spend my whole life reveling in free time and material goods and personal wealth (funny that the woman has a little pet skull – my chinchillas are one of my less practical but most-loved purchases – hence the cage in the pool).

But when I think about it, the 9 of Pentacles is also a card of being thankful for what you have; solitude is only solitude if you feel relaxed and accomplished.  So I suppose taking little steps toward financial independence (finding small ways to make money, spending less overall, and seeking out employment during some of my down time) is probably the best way to achieve this.  Gratitude is sort of a catch-all; if I’m thankful for more, I’ll want less, and suffering will decrease.*  I might even have fewer bad dreams.

* Note to self: I could really learn a lot from Buddhism!

That said, I got some surprising hints a few days ago–without even asking.  I found this amusing, so I thought I’d share.

The reading was about my thesis (though I didn’t really have a question).  I was reaching the end of my rope in terms of accomplishing everything according to schedule, and none of my writing was as good as I wanted it to be.  In a desperate early-morning lightbulb moment, I wondered if extending my thesis through the summer would be my best option, even though it was something I had wanted to avoid.

The first card, the 3 of Pentacles, had been on the bottom of the deck and caught my eye.  I see a lot of myself in the 3 of Pentacles, hammering away at my thesis, trying to maintain my creative spirit while still adhering to deadlines.

The second card drawn was the 3 of Swords, which surprised me at first, until a random word popped into my head, and I realized I was recalling it from my first tarot studies ten years ago: “curveball.”  I was not expecting these consequences, and was suddenly faced with more than I could handle – and consequently, a difficult choice.

The third card drawn was the 3 of Wands – a man waiting for his ambitions to pay off – looking for results in the distance.

See the pattern yet?

At this point it occurred to me that I had drawn (from a well-shuffled deck, of course), three cards of the same number.

Next, the Tower.  A lot of people hate seeing the Tower card.  But for me this was indicating upheaval, a sudden change of plans, a surprising twist of events (which, frankly, is a little exciting).  Although I was bummed at the idea of such a setback as having to extend my thesis deadline, the prospect of such an opportunity was kind of a nice upheaval – time to rebuild, I’d say, which is the upside of the Tower.

And there you have it: the 3 of Cups.  A break from the trials of daily life with friends, a time of celebration and relaxation.  When I saw this card, all I could think about were all those nights I declined going out to the bars because I simply had too much writing to do.  Now I’ll finally have time to refresh and enjoy myself.

Lastly, the Wheel of Fortune made an appearance.  A pretty strong indication that events were moving quickly and it would take a lot of work and heart to keep up – a large part of the reason I’m in this mess.  Also, this could be interpreted as a hint that my luck would be changing – and considering things weren’t going so well, I had high hopes.

** Long story short, I extended my thesis through the summer, and I feel a lot more at ease.  But the thing I love most about this reading is the 3s – because it’s pretty rare to get that many of the same number in a reading.  When I lined them all up and stared at them, I couldn’t help but think of them in terms of time: 3 months.  And three additional work months would have me graduating at the end of August, instead of May.  So I took that as a strong sign that I could use the extra time, and made plans that very morning to graduate in August – and I’m so glad I did.
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Card images from the Morgan Greer Tarot.

I was originally thinking of moving to the west coast to look for a job in Portland – but these new developments with my work visa (which leave me no time to look for a job anywhere but here, if I still want that post-grad visa) suggest I either move back to Canada (likely Vancouver), or stay in Pittsburgh for up to a year, at which point (given that I’ll still miss the west coast, but may not have the means to apply for a more permanent job in Oregon) I’ll probably end up moving to Canada anyway.

So I drew some cards tonight to get a read on my situation, in terms of advice for my living situation in the coming year.  The first to pop out was the 6 of Swords (above), which immediately made me think of travel, seeking refuge, and/or moving onto a better life elsewhere.  But if so, where?  I shuffled for a clarification card, and instead got three, and then three more – all of which made sense.

What have we here?  My thoughts:

The Lovers (Following your heart.  Going where your emotions take you.)  This could be referring to the boyfriend.  I certainly didn’t anticipate a split after our three years together.  But he’s expressed a willingness to come with me, however he can – if that works out.  Other than that – my heart belongs to Canada, before any other country.

9 of Cups (Getting what you wish for.)  Honestly – what I want most?  Freedom.  And peace of mind.  I won’t get either of those things here, unless I somehow find a really great job on the west coast, or decide to get married – both of which are quite unlikely at this stage.

8 of Cups (Moving on from a bad situation – quitting, leaving something you love/loved behind.)  I usually think of bad relationships when I see this card.  But I certainly don’t have one of those, nor do I plan on abandoning what I do have.  It could indicate compromise.  Or it could be referring to the fact that as much as I’ve built my last six years around the premise of becoming a U.S. citizen, my relationship with the United States is not its strongest right now.

And more:

2 of Pentacles (Weighing options, making a decision, juggling possibilities.)  I clearly have a lot to think about – that implication’s obvious.  Less obvious is the scenery in this card – a seascape, and a boat.  Again, I’m thinking of travel – perhaps somewhere coastal.

9 of Swords (Nightmares.  Irrational fears.  Self-imprisonment.)  Perhaps it’s time to break free from a situation that makes me feel trapped and helpless – especially when it’s in my control.  Is struggling in place only making things worse?  (As a side note, stress from my current situation has caused a recent increase in nightmares and sleep teeth-grinding.)

The Chariot (Taking control, finding balance, moving forward.)  Again, this card screams travel and movement, and overcoming helplessness.  It’s all about drive, communication, going where you want to go, doing what you want to do – and finding the right balance of techniques to reach that goal successfully.  Truthfully, that’s all I’ve ever wanted.

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Overall:

Interesting that there are no court cards in this reading, indicating a lack of people, outside help and influences – this one’s all on me.  There is also a complete lack of the Wands suit, which makes me think my creativity (which is already suffering under all this pressure) will continue to deteriorate under stress, until this situation is resolved.  Given that my creative outlets are my lifeblood, I take this quite seriously.  Guess I better make up my mind.

Currently, with all the not-so-subtle hints at travel, and an abundance of cups and water imagery, the cards point toward the west coast – while logic, a general feeling of entrapment, and an overwhelming message of “breaking free” all together strongly suggest Canada.  There’s no denying that.

I suppose we’ll see how the dominoes fall.
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Update: It is now the following November, and I am still in Pittsburgh.  Just goes to show you how much can change in a short period of time – and why tarot readings, however insightful, cannot predict events very far in advance.
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Card images from the Morgan-Greer Tarot.