Photo by Eugenio Recuenco
Two days ago, while napping, I had two rather bizarre dreams – both involving family, personal warfare, and theft in some way (though to be honest, nothing I dream surprises me anymore – which is not to say I don’t still awaken with chills sometimes).
The first dream involved a trip to the grocery store by bus, with my boyfriend Matt and my mom. For some reason, the bus took us out into the middle of nowhere – back roads, mountain passes, et cetera – and looped continuously over a long period of time until my mom grew tired of it and disembarked. I worried we wouldn’t meet up again, since I wasn’t sure where any of us were (and because my mom wasn’t familiar with the area), but for some reason Matt and I stayed on the bus, thinking we could still make it to the store. Eventually, all but the two of us and two other men had left the bus, at which point the two men turned on us with guns and asked for all our money. I had a large wad of cash in my purse to pay my share of the rent, and the thought of losing that concerned me a lot more than the fact that a gun was being pointed at me – as if I didn’t understand the weight of the situation. Instead of just handing over our wallets (for some reason), Matt pulled two twenties out of his while I rummaged through mine, pretending I was scrounging for change – when really, I was trying to get away with handing over only a small portion of my cash. Long story short, they found out, and proceeded to shoot us both.
Photo by Eugenio Recuenco
Dream number two. I somehow ended up in a large swimming pool with my family (parents, brother, aunts, uncles, cousins). We were divided into alliances/teams – myself alone – and were attempting to kill one another with “bombs” (they did not seem to be traditional bombs – rather formed from exploding balloons, exploding powder, et cetera – but there was no mistake that this was not a game). The pool was large and strewn with floating furniture and other material goods, as well as the cage complete with my pet chinchillas. As we bombed one another, I scrambled on and around the floating furniture, using it to shield me or aid my attacks. The problem was that it was totally unclear as to who the enemy was – who was on whose side and why. Everyone was bombing everyone else, though at some point my dad tossed me some powerful balloons to blow up, and I managed to swipe some exploding powder from my brother, though he didn’t seem to mind. Everyone attacked with blank stares and few words, so it was difficult to tell what anyone was thinking or feeling. I attempted to bomb everyone with limited success, but managed to avoid most attacks. The last thing I remember was noticing that the chinchilla cage was open, and fearing that my pets had drowned in the water.
Now. I’m no stranger to analyzing my dreams. I find it fascinating and psychologically useful, and I like to think I’m quite good at it. But this time I enlisted the help of a tarot deck – at least half out of curiosity, but partially because the dreams were disconcerting and I find the cards comforting. I used the Deviant Moon Tarot by Patrick Valenza for its disturbing, dream-like imagery. And despite my self-proclaimed mastery in dream interpretation, I found the results quite surprising – an interpretation that, upon second thought, fit all too well, but that I never would have thought up on my own.
Deviant Moon Tarot by Patrick Valenza
The first card was the 7 of Wands. This one felt pretty appropriate; the figure looks lost or frightened, almost sleep-walking, and is surrounded. This is a pretty good summary of what happened in both dreams: me feeling helpless and needing to defend myself against violent forces. A good descriptor, but no surprises here.
Then the King of Pentacles. This is where it gets interesting. At first I was surprised to see a court card; I almost considered the draw a mistake. Reminder: it’s never a mistake. The King of Pentacles is usually a man, or a source of great power; Pentacles, or Coins, deal with stability and finances, as well as material goods…and then it hit me. The mugging on the bus, my mom and the unreachable destination, the war with my family in the pool, the inexplicable aid from my dad. This card represents my parents (most notably my dad) – and my dreams, oddly enough, were about losing financial stability.
I’ve been in college for the past six years. During that time, my parents (who generously saved for my college education in Canada, and did not anticipate my attending university out-of-state/country) have paid for virtually my entire education, and most of my living costs. I am beyond grateful for their generosity, but sometimes it fills me with guilt. While I maintained a part-time job throughout my undergrad in Idaho, it didn’t pay much. Last year I received a fellowship (for the first year of my graduate degree) which paid my tuition and got me more publishing experience, which helped – but this past year I didn’t work at all. With my thesis, my classes, and other creative/career endeavors (such as tarot and blogging, which I still hope will help me pay my bills someday), I couldn’t find the time – and I think I would have gone insane. Regardless, I still carry a lot of guilt. And it doesn’t help that I’m not exactly great with money.
Photos by Denise Grunstein
Now that I’ve finished up my degree, the pressure to find a job is back on (which, difficult as that may be for a creative writing major, is only compounded by the fact that I’m a resident alien and will have to jump through numerous hoops even after my application for employment authorization is approved). In short, if I want to keep living here (and I do), it’s not exactly easy for me to get a job I like. That plus guilt. It makes for a fun emo soup.
So I drew another card for advice, and I got the 9 of Pentacles. I was a little surprised by this, because it’s not exactly a “take action” card; it’s more of a “take time for yourself and don’t let anyone else bother you” card. Actually, it’s one of my favorites – I wish I could spend my whole life reveling in free time and material goods and personal wealth (funny that the woman has a little pet skull – my chinchillas are one of my less practical but most-loved purchases – hence the cage in the pool).
But when I think about it, the 9 of Pentacles is also a card of being thankful for what you have; solitude is only solitude if you feel relaxed and accomplished. So I suppose taking little steps toward financial independence (finding small ways to make money, spending less overall, and seeking out employment during some of my down time) is probably the best way to achieve this. Gratitude is sort of a catch-all; if I’m thankful for more, I’ll want less, and suffering will decrease.* I might even have fewer bad dreams.
* Note to self: I could really learn a lot from Buddhism!
